How Do Lesbians Have Sex? 28 Things to Know Before Your First Time

First time having sex can be a little nerve-racking, it doesn’t matter who you are or who you want to have sex with. Lots of myths and misconceptions present about lesbian sex, it’s necessary to have knowledge about how sex can work and how to practice safer sex. Any person can have any kind of […]

First time having sex can be a little nerve-racking, it doesn’t matter who you are or who you want to have sex with.

Lots of myths and misconceptions present about lesbian sex, it’s necessary to have knowledge about how sex can work and how to practice safer sex.

Any person can have any kind of sex

Before talking about lesbian sex, let’s discuss about what the phrase is meant.

Usually, the term “lesbian sex” is used by people to mean sex between two women. If that is the case, then keep in mind that those women might not identify as lesbian.

For example, they could be identified as bisexual, pansexual, queer, or even heterosexual. Sex between women isn’t restricted to lesbians.

Also keep in mind, that “lesbian sex” isn’t restricted to cisgender couples.

Other people who have vaginas, people with penises, and people with intersex genitalia are also included.

Heterosexual couples, foe instance, may have oral, manual, or penetrative sex. All of this depends on the couple and what they like to do.

Lesbian sex or sex between women similarly, whether cis or trans can include whatever kind of sex like to tried.

Different things to different people is what sex is meant

Most of us have learnt that sex is about a penis entering a vagina through school, media or our communities

While several people only see penis-in-vagina sex as “real” sex but the definition of sex is fluid and it is meant as different things for different people.

Below is an incomplete list of what may be counted as sex:

  • oral sex performed on the vagina, penis, or anus
  • manual sex, including hand jobs, fingering, clitoral play, anal play, and fisting
  • breast and nipple play
  • penis-in-vagina sex
  • penis-in-anus sex
  • using sex toys
  • mutual masturbation
  • genital rubbing
  • kissing and cuddling

So, whatever is counted as “lesbian sex” is actually up to whoever is doing it.

Lots of myths are out there about lesbian sex. Below are a few:

  • One partner does all the penetration while the other does all the receiving is believed by some people. This is the dynamic for some couples, but not for all couples and remember, penetration doesn’t make you a “man.”
  • Keep in mind that just because both are women doesn’t mean having the same genitals, for instance, one person might be a cis woman with a vagina, while the other might be a trans woman with a penis. Even if having the same genitals, every body is different. What is found by one partner pleasurable, another partner might find boring.
  • Strap-ons are sex toys that are often shaped like a penis. They are attached to one partner’s pelvis using a harness or attachment like underwear and can be used to penetrate the vagina or anus. While these can be enjoyable, its not must to have them.
  • When two people with vaginas open their legs and rub their vulvas together is known as scissoring. While it is enjoyed by some people, it’s a huge myth that all lesbians do this. It is found impractical and unpleasurable by many people.
  • Most people think that when one or both partners orgasm is that when the sex ends. This might not be the case. Sex can be pleasurable without orgasming, and it’s completely okay to stop having sex without one or both orgasming.
  • Possiblility to get pregnant if one partner has a penis and another has a vagina is present. Spreading STIs may also be possible from one person to another, no matter what their genitals are.

Relaxing and figuring out what feels good can be done with the help of masturbating

Touching oneself in certain places and with certain motions feels pleasurable may be found which can help in telling the partner what is enjoyed.

And if the partner is having the same anatomy, masturbating may help to navigate their anatomy better. A good idea of what they might enjoy might also be given.

This being said, keep in mind that everyone is different. What might seem pleasurable for one person might not be similarly pleasurable for the other.

consent asking is critical.

Even if the partner has already given consent that they want to have sex, it’s essential to check in before the time comes.

Remember that the right to withdraw consent during sex is with them, as do you.

If feeling nervous, communicate with the partner about it. Communicate and share that haven’t had sex before, or that certain sexual activities are not done.

What is enjoyed doing by them should be asked or what they’d like to try, or share ideas of your own.

If not sure what to say, below are some phrases which can be used before or during sex:

  • Can I kiss you?
  • Can we do [sexual activity]?
  • Can I take your clothes off?
  • Would you like to have sex?
  • I’d like to do [sexual activity]. What do you think?
  • Are you enjoying yourself?
  • Should I stop?
  • Are you comfortable with this?

Assumptions should never be made about what the partner does or doesn’t want.

Prior to taking it to the next level, always check in with them and ask what they’d like.

Keep in mind that some people have sensitive nipples, so be gentle and ask the partner how much pressure should be applied.

Breast and nipple play may include:

  • rubbing nipples between the forefingers
  • gently pulling nipples
  • licking, sucking, or kissing nipples or breasts
  • using sex toys on nipples, such as nipple clamps, or using a vibrator or feather tickler on nipples
  • using ice blocks or tingling lube on nipples to produce interesting sensations

Using hands to pleasure the partner is done in manual stimulation. Different motions, different kinds of pressure, and different speeds should be experimented.

If partner has a vagina

Depending on the anatomy and personal preferences, below are the things that could be tried such as:

  • rubbing their clitorisby trying circular and up-down motions at various speeds and pressures
  • using a finger to find their G-spot, a rough patch of tissue in the vaginal wall
  • lightly touching the area around their clitoris or vagina in a teasing motion
  • touching the skin just outside of their anus
  • penetrating their anus with fingers

If partner has a penis

There are several ways to manually stimulate someone who is having a penis. Some ideas may include:

  • a hand job can be performed by holding their penis firmly and gliding the hand up and down; which speed and pressure is preferred by the partner should be asked
  • gently rubbing or massaging the head of their penis
  • touching and rubbing their scrotum and perineum, which is the area between the scrotum and anus
  • touching the skin just outside of their anus
  • penetrating their anus with fingers

Using the mouth and tongue to pleasure the partner is known as oral stimulation

If partner has a vagina

Kissing, licking, or sucking the:

  • clitoris
  • area around the clitoris or vagina
  • vaginal opening
  • inner thighs
  • anus

If partner has a penis

Kissing, licking, or sucking the:

  • penis
  • scrotum and perineum
  • inner thighs
  • anus

Penetration is often related with penises, but the vagina or anus can be penetrated with a range of different things, such as fingers, fist, or a sex toy.


Keep in mind that penis-in-vagina sex can lead to pregnancy, so partner should be communicated about birth control options.

Below can be tried:

  • penis-in-vagina sex
  • fingering the vagina
  • fisting the vagina
  • inserting a dildo or vibrator


If planning to have anal sex, a little more preparation might be needed.

Own natural lubrication is not produced by the anus, so using lube is very important.

As the lining of the anus walls are thinner than that of the vagina so it should be gently done.

Below can be tried:

  • penis-in-anus sex
  • fingering the anus
  • fisting the anus
  • inserting a dildo or vibrator
  • using an anal plug or other toy designed specifically for the anus

Positions to try

Probably hundreds of different sex positions are available out there, but now isn’t the time to try hand at erotic gymnastics.

Tried-and-true moves should be started with which are mentioned below

For oral or manual sex, try lying down with legs open

Lying on the back with legs open. Knees can be bent if that’s more comfortable.

The partner can then be lying on their stomach between your legs.

For penis-in-vagina sex, missionary generally works

A reputation for being boring  is said to be for missionary but it doesn’t have to be

In this position, lying on the back is done by the person with the vagina. Lying face-down on top of them by the person with the penis and inserting their penis into their vagina.

If wanted, a pillow underneath the pelvis can be propped to raise it. The angle can be improved through this, making it more pleasurable for both.

For penetrative anal sex, doggy-style is often comfortable

This position to be done, the person who is being penetrated gets on all fours, with their knees apart.

The head can be put down on their forearms or straighten their forearms and keeping their back flat-ish.

The giver can then kneel behind them and their anus can be penetrated with their fingers, penis, or sex toy.

This position can also be tried for oral stimulation of the anus.

Keep in mind that STI can be transmitted with many sex acts

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, around 20 million Americans a sexually transmitted infection (STI) each year is contracted

An individual STI risk depends on a range of factors, which may include:

  • sexual activities being done
  • both the partner’s sexual history
  • whether condoms are used or other barrier methods

Remember, an STI can be contracted regardless of anatomy of both.

Possibility of pregnancy may be there

Often, it is assumed by people that lesbians can’t get pregnant, or that lesbian sex can’t have an outcome of pregnancy. That’s a myth as the assumption is made that both women are cisgender.

Penis-in-vagina sex can be done if one partner is transgender and having a penis and the other is cisgender having a vagina

In various cases, this means that pregnancy is possible.

If pregnancy is to be avoided, partner should be communicated about birth control which may include a mixture of hormonal contraception, like the pill, and condoms.

Practicing safer sex

Below are a few ways to decrease the risk of STIs and other infections:

  • Dental dams can be used if performing oral sex, either on the vagina or the anus.
  • External condoms can be used for penis-in-vagina sex, penis-in-anus sex, or oral sex on penises.
  • Internal condoms can be used for penis-in-vagina sex or penis-in-anus sex.
  • Gloves or finger cots can be used as they can protect during manual-genital stimulation, such as fingering, hand jobs, and clitoral stimulation. More comfortable may be felt when used with lube.
  • Hand hygiene is important when it comes to fingering, clitoral stimulation, and hand jobs. Hands should be always washed beforehand to avoid spreading germs. Nails should be kept short if planning on penetrating someone with fingers. This helps in the prevention of cuts and tears, which can be painful and may lead to infections. Cotton balls may also be inserted into rubber gloves to provide a different sensation.
  • For penetrative sex of all kinds, lube is great because the risk of tearing and irritation inside of the vagina or anus is reduced. It’s especially essential for anal sex as, unlike the vagina, the anus doesn’t produce its own lubricant.
  • All toys should be kept clean in between use as sex toys can transfer infections from one person to another. Putting a condom on dildos may also be considered and other penetrative toys before use which can make it easier to clean, as well as offer a different sensation.
  • Whether having a consistent partner or having more sporadic sex, it is important to get tested. The doctor or other healthcare provider can advise you on how much and when to test and what to test for.

The bottom line

A lot of information is available to help on the way as the thought of having sex for the first time can be overwhelming,m.

Sex is a skill and more practice is needed to get better at it

If having questions, speaking with an LGBTQ+ friendly healthcare provider might be helpful. More specific information can be offered by them and they may help directing to other resources.

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